I know that this online space is tentatively reserved for bread, pastry, baking, and the business of such, but shockingly, I do exist in the world in a dynamic and diverse set of ways, so please read on or don’t as I write an ode to one of these other interests that enrich my life. If you’re only here for the baking or if running makes you vomit or if sedodge having an opinion and sharing personal anecdotes makes you angry, then I’d so much rather you find that teeny tiny little “x” in the right hand corner and click it than write me an email telling me “to stay in my lane.” I share my story with running because I love running and I love writing and I apparently love writing about running (my journals are very much about my runs now), AND (this one is crazy:) I apparently love reading about running which one might assume is as interesting as watching paint dry, but not so y’all, not so. Over the last few years on this platform and social media, I have tried to be somewhat open and transparent about my mental health struggles with depression, grief, drinking, and medication - I think I found it important to show that side of me- because it’s a big big part of who I was, am, and who I’ve become; personally and professionally.
But it become increasingly harder to WANT to share those things on social media and not feeling like I was vying for attention or a “you’ve got this” pat on the back or honestly just feeling like my genuine words were getting lost in a sea of other not so genuine people oftentimes in the wellness industry wax poetic about mental health things that quite frankly I don’t think they have any idea about. Whereas at first, I felt like I could communicate genuinely and write about this very nuanced subject of mental health struggles which served as a way to release and relate to others - it became this popular hash-tagged subject that people wanted to be validated for and I guess I didn’t relate to that outward loud release of it anymore.
BUT without digressing too far, those mental health struggles have persisted and they persisted hard in the beginning of the pandemic. As so many of us did, I found myself in a very confusing place during March, April and May. My business was booming - because #sourdough (I laugh, I cringe, we move on) - and I was so so grateful , but I was also an anxious crazy person (in a toxic relationship as well) with nowhere to go but drink-town. So, I drank to ease my mind, I drank to feel elated even if it was just temporary, I drank to feel like things were normal. Also to be fair, I was drinking before the pandemic and not in a healthy way, but the slow down of life definitely can put into view the toxic things we occupy our time with and for me that was drinking. It was in that slow down of life and the uptick of drinking that the demons that were there all along came out in full force.
Now I’d been in therapy for YEARS. One amazing therapist for the long term that has helped me understand my thoughts. Then an EMDR therapist that helped me reprocess thoughts. Then a Psychiatrist to medicate me to literally help me clear the clouds to hopefully move through the thoughts. But THE THOUGHTS WOULDN’T MOVE. They wouldn’t even budge. They held on and occupied my precious brain space like ticks to deer.
So, I changed course: because I had to. I quit drinking and I started running. And it’s that sentence right there that I will point to for years to come and highlight as the moment that changed my life. At first it was the hardest thing in the world. Running one mile felt like climbing 17 tall mountains and then some. I got annoyed that I wasn’t faster or that my endurance was shit. But I kept going, I kept pushing and trying and achieving distances or times. I had good days and bad, I also had like HORRIBLE days where I hadn’t fuelled correctly or I would unfortunately learn the hard way what runners tummy was (like WTF). But still, I kept going - I kept building miles and working on speed and endurance. Honestly, I just kept showing up. I just kept digging deeper.
Here I am, one year later - a very different person than when I started.
And basically, in sum: Dear Running - I love you. You changed me but most importantly, you revealed me. I will never quit you.
Beyond all the exercise and health benefits of running, which probably had something to do with why I started running, what has kept me running and kept me digging is the mental gains and calmness that I’ve achieved and continue to evolve through the sport. The thoughts were budging, they were evolving, they were passing on and no longer controlling me.
Through running, I learned to quiet my anxious overthinking brain. I learned to let the thoughts pass and to let the negative thoughts go and to instead take in what is : the sound of the birds, and leaves, and the wind; the feeling of the sun and my sweat; the concentration of literally just putting one foot in front of the other. Some would call this a form of meditation. I think it’s a form of meditation, but more specifically a practice of mindfulness that I can actually understand and put into practice (I really really hope my therapists are reading this and shout out AMEN so freaking loud). This mindfulness has been the biggest takeaway from my time with running: we are not our minds, and we are way more capable of things than our mind can lead us to believe sometimes. I’ve been trying to find this quote from Murakami’s What I Talk about when I Talk About Running ( a must read in my opinion) about how WE can control how much we struggle. How we CHOSE to QUIT or how we CHOSE to keep going despite the struggle. I can’t find the quote lol but I did find this quote, another one I really liked and probably speaks even grander to why I continue running and why it’s been so impactful: “life is basically unfair. But even in a situation that’s unfair, I think it’s possible to seek out a fairness.” I think it’s possible to accept that life won’t always give you it’s best, honestly, it just straight up sucks sometimes. It won’t always be easy, but it’s 110% how you chose to keep working forward that matters, how you chose to show up and to keep digging even when it’s hard or unfair or shitty.
One year later, I’m running an average of about 4 -5 days a week. My current weekly milage is a little low, around 12-20 miles/week. My longest completed run is 10.25 miles, and I am currently researching where I want to do my first 1/2 marathon. I don’t know if I want to do a whole, but I’m gonna keep cruising and see where it takes me. I’m applying to be a Girls on The Run Coach because the freedom and confidence that comes from running is INVALUABLE and girls need it and I want to be a force for that. I did reintroduce alcohol into my life for those that are curious and we’ll just say that relationship will always be in flux, it’ll always be something I have to stay curious about. I will say, quitting the negative numbing behaviour of drinking while introducing the freeing mindful act of running was a powerful combo that I highly recommend: taking out something that is holding you back while introducing something that pushes, literally pulls, you forward.
In my opinion, running is the every humans ticket to mindful freedom in this life: you can do it alone, you can do it in group. You can run 5 minutes, you can run 5 hours. You can do it in the morning, afternoon, or night. You can be rich or poor. You can run in the sun in the rain, in the cold, in the heat, inside, outside, on a road, on a treadmill. You can be physically anywhere. You can wear what you want, shit, you don’t even need shoes. You can run with a perfect able body or a disabled body. I’ve met a really cool community of runners as well, people that echo a lot of the sentiments that I’m preaching so passionately. There really is something about running and for those seeking something else, I encourage you to try it. Or try the thing that your mind keeps telling you can’t. Try walking, biking, hiking, rowing, whatever. Try something. Something that takes you out of your mind and into the world and reminds you of the bigger picture and that you are capable and that you can keep moving forward.
2 other posi’s about running: It’s acceptable eat twizzlers on your long runs (I do) and a lot of runners drink chocolate milk after long runs (I do) and it’s amazing!
